Praise The Interruption

My football commentary prayers have been answered! After three miserable years, Tony Kornheiser has “stepped down” from his perch on Monday Night Football. The runner up for Dennis Miller’s worst football announcer ever award, Kornheiser has reportedly given up the job because of his fear of flying. This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise because he looks like the cowardly lion from The Wizard Of Oz (without the hair, of course).

Kornheiser Vs. The Cowardly Lion

“I feel we got better each year,” Kornheiser said. “My fear of planes is legendary and sadly true. When I looked at the upcoming schedule it was the perfect storm that would’ve frequently moved me from the bus to the air. I kept looking at the schedule the past month and wanted to find a way to quietly extricate myself.”

This guy has one of the sweetest jobs in the world and just because the thought of planes makes him “extricate” in his pants, he decides to walk away? It makes no sense to me but I’m not complaining. Kornheiser has a great dynamic with Wilbon on PTI but he did not belong on MNF. At least he was knowledgeable, which is more than I can say for James Harrison but we’ll talk about that later. Tony had an annoying voice to go along with his nack for putting his foot in his mouth. In his most recent season, Kornheiser had a translation incident where he said “I took high school Spanish and that either means ‘nobody is going to touch him’ or ‘could you pick up my dry cleaning in the morning.” I don’t care what he meant by it, if anything, but why would you even say something like that? Who wants to hear a terrible joke/comment like that from some bald guy during a football game? No one. Kornheiser was full of irrelevant chatter and dumb jokes like that throughout his tenure so I’m thrilled to see him go. I think his reason for stepping down is a bit suspect and he might’ve actually been asked to leave but as long as he is out I don’t care.

With every departure comes a replacement and Kornheiser’s is no doubt a great one. Not only will Jon Gruden be able to provide intelligent commentary as a former coach, he is known for his humor during press conferences so he should be able to fill the void that Tony Kornheiser left empty when he first arrived at MNF. As great of an opportunity as this would be for any normal person, it seems like quite a step down for Gruden. The man’s overall record is above .500 and he already has a super bowl title under his belt to go with his already impressive resume. I find myself wondering how an under achiever like Eric Mangini can be fired and immediately get a new head coaching job while Gruden sits on the shelf. Even more perplexing is how an idiot like Josh McDaniels who drives franchise Pro Bowl quarterbacks out of town and acquires 73 running backs in an off season can land a coaching job before Gruden. We all know depth is important but does he know that only one of those backs can hold the ball at a time? Committees are on the rise but those have two or three backs in them at most, not five. That’s alright though because Kyle Orton will surely carry that team to victory like he did in Chicago. Oh wait that was the Bears defense. Well Denver was 29th in total defense last year so they have that going for them.

But let’s get back to the topic of ignorant sports figures. I’m sure everyone has heard this story already and agrees with me but I’m still shocked enough to talk about it. Super Bowl cheater hero James Harrison is skipping out on the Steelers visit to the White House. His reasoning? ESPN reporters caught up with Harrison at Chuck E. Cheese today where he said that if President Obama really wanted to see the Steelers he should’ve asked them before they won the Super Bowl. He also said that as far as he is concerned, Obama would have invited the Cardinals if they won.

As far as I'm concerned...

Well, James, as far as I’m concerned they should have made you retake the third grade a few more times because the Super Bowl winners ALWAYS go to the White House. How is this news to you? You were invited when you won three years ago! I know there have been changes we can believe in but this hasn’t been one of them. And what do you mean ‘as far as you are concerned’?  That doesn’t make any sense. Neither does turning down an invitation to meet the most powerful man in the free world. And not to make any assumptions but one would think that Harrison would jump at the chance to meet President Obama. We’re not talking about any ordinary President. He was born in Hawaii! How many of them can say that?!

In other news, T.O. practiced in Buffalo today. You know, like he gets paid to do. I know he’s the most exciting thing to happen to that city since buffalo wings but honestly what’s the big deal? Is this coming as a surprise to anyone? Owens is 35 years old. He has been doing this for 13 years. I’m tired of the same old song and dance for a big cry baby who would suffocate without a spot light. With any luck he will suddenly develop a rare fear of airplanes and retire after three years on the job in Buffalo so we can be rid of his nonsense.

What Happens In High School Stays In High School

I’ve never liked Duke. Even before I went to UVa and the Blue Devils became a sworn rival in the ACC, they always annoyed me. Of course, when you think of Duke you think of their basketball team: the whitest team in the land that just scurries around like a bunch of naked mole rats and destroys you from the perimeter. And for three out of the last four years at least, the other thing that came to mind when thinking about Duke basketball was their fearless leader at the point: Gregory Russell Paulus.

Paulus and Goliath

As I’m sure you all know by now, Paulus was a former Gatorade high school football player of the year at Christian Brothers Academy in upstate New York, where he was a four-time all-state player, set six state passing records and was a starter in the U.S. Army All-American game. Christian Brothers was 42-3 during Paulus’ time there, and he had 11,763 career passing yards and 152 touchdown passes in 45 games. But obviously Greg was a basketball star as well and he decided to go that route instead.

The move makes sense from a lot of angles.

Paulus Takes Some Time To Talk To Dickie V During Pre Game Warm Ups

Basketball is a safer sport, especially for someone as fragile looking as Paulus (check him out on the right with Dickie V) and it seemed to be what he was more passionate about. Not to mention he had the opportunity to play ball at Cameron Indoor, which produces a top 5 or at least top ten team every year. His other options included Syracuse, Georgetown, Florida and the recently crowned NCAA champion UNC Tar Heels. Not too shabby. He had a football scholarship from Notre Dame, which has a lot of tradition but ironically not much Irish luck on the grid iron in recent years. He also had an offer from Miami, which features a downward spiraling program despite its impressive list of alumni.

On the flip side, the move also looks foolish on some levels since it’s much easier to pursue an NFL career than an NBA career. But when Paulus was recently interviewed he said he had no regrets and “wouldn’t change a thing.”

… Alright, Greg. Is that why you are trying to get into the NFL now? Because you don’t regret your decision? Because you’re not secretly bitter about being benched as a senior after dedicating your life to Duke Basketball and never winning the ultimate prize? From what I hear he was very mature about the situation and just did what he could to contribute. But let’s face it, the fact that he was benched was probably slowly eating away at him from the inside.

Don’t get me wrong, if I was a former Gatorade high school football player of the year and I still had a year of NCAA eligibility left I would absolutely try to get on a football squad. But will anything come of this? Probably not.

When I found out that the Green Bay Packers were giving Greg Paulus a tryout and it was confirmed that they were watching him throw passes I said to myself “What the hell are they thinking?”. Let’s skip the obvious flaw in this mastermind idea for a second and look at the big picture. This is a team that closed the door on a future hall of famer in Brett Favre who holds virtually every record in the book and was throwing touchdowns right around the same time little Greg was learning to use a big boy toilet. Does that not bother anyone else?

Paulus would get OBLITERATED on the football field if he joined now, no matter what level he played at. The sheer size difference between him and the oncoming freight train defensive end or linebacker would look something like this:

That Kid's Right Arm Looks Detached From The Rest Of His Body

He would win the punt, pass & kick tournament for the 13 year old age group he would be mistakenly enrolled in. That’s about it. I mean was Ted Thompson sitting in his office saying “Hmm well the Bears just got this Cutler fella so I’m gonna really pull out the big guns here and show them we have a new franchise quarterback of our own!”?  I love Green Bay for the history and its fans but this just makes no sense. Even if Paulus was being looked at as a receiver or defensive back, there are tons of players who actually played those positions in college and don’t make the practice squad on NFL teams. I feel like I’m watching a bad reality show.

Even his last football coach, Christian Brothers coach Joe Casamento, doubts him by saying “to play at the NFL level [Greg] might have to add 30 pounds”. Casamento also noted that “[Greg] could always throw it accurately and he’s a smart winner and a leader, but where now is the arm strength?” It’s like those old Wendy’s ads that said “Where’s The Beef?” except in this particular instance they are inquiring about the arm strength.

Greg must have realized that Green Bay was taking a puff of the funny stuff when they brought him in so he stepped back down to the college level and somehow got an interview with Rich Rodriguez in Ann Arbor. Now I know Michigan’s program has been down in the dumps a bit since the Appalachian State loss but I didn’t think it was this bad. I wouldn’t be surprised if schools with less sterling football programs took a chance with Paulus but when powerhouses like the Wolverines or NFL teams like the Pack bring someone like Paulus in I think it makes them look desperate.

Speaking of teams with less sterling football programs, Duke’s football coach David Cutliffe decided that after Paulus had already been to Green Bay and Ann Arbor, now might be a good time to offer him a tryout for the Blue Devils squad. Seriously? This is something the boneheaded Cutliffe should have done before those other two teams! And on top of that he came out today and said that “[Greg is] a quarterback at heart, but there was no way he [is] going to be able to compete and play quarterback for us”. That’s right, Cutliffe is only letting Paulus try out as an inside receiver… because that makes sense. The kid has thrown passes for an NFL team tryout and you won’t let him throw some for your poor excuse for a team that has gone 8-40 with two conference wins over the past 5 years? You have a chance to add a spark to your team who has no notable alumni in the past twenty years and you dismiss it at first glance? Can someone remind me why this guy has this job?

As much as I’d like to see Paulus follow the path of Minnesota Twins catcher Joe Mauer and become only the 2nd Gatorade National High School Football Player of the Year who did not play football at the collegiate level and instead went pro in another sport, I don’t see that happening. So Greg, wherever you are, if you’re reading this, remember that what happens in high school stays in high school.

Put On Your Dancin’ Shoes

Ah, Championship Week. “Drink. It. In. It always goes down smooth”. Except when Baylor beats Kansas or DePaul (who went 0-18 in regular season conference play) upsets the Bearcats of Cincinnati. Or maybe when Georgia Tech rises from the basement of the ACC standings to beat Clemson or the Mountaineers of WVU topple the powerful Panthers of Pittsburgh. Or when Villanova squeaks past Marquette in a nail-biter or Syracuse puts a muzzle on the Huskies of UConn (6th time’s a charm). Okay, so it doesn’t go down smooth for everyone, but what I meant here is that everyone looks forward to this week because it’s the last chance for any team to make a splash or burst a bubble. Who isn’t excited about Championship Week? Selection Sunday is right around the corner and teams are leaving everything they’ve got on the floor.

Well I’m not that excited about it, to be honest. Here’s why. First of all, my beloved Virginia Cavaliers had an abysmal season. I think the best way to describe it is by comparing it to Sanjaya’s infamous alphabetical jacket performance on American Idol: A hideous abomination that is painful to watch. Knowing that your team’s season is officially over never goes down smooth (if I type that one more time I might stop writing this and go watch Anchorman). But the real reason I’m not excited about it is because it’s essentially meaningless. Sure a team like DePaul or even my beloved Cavaliers can make a 2007 N.C. State-esque run to the conference championship but that’s about as likely as anyone ever trusting this guy to store things.

Powerhouse teams within each conference are going to take the championship brass 9 times out of 10. If a good team loses, especially if they are practically guaranteed a ticket to the NCAA tournament, it’s not a big deal. Sure they are a little disappointed but the national championship is what they really lose sleep over. Now, believe it or not, I’m not a college basketball player. So, of course, I’m speaking from the outside looking in but I’m pretty sure I’m right about this even though I’d be dead wrong if you go by the intensity in these games and the looks on the players’ faces. No game is a better testament to that than the 4 hour slug fest that went into sextuple overtime at the garden last night. I’m still in awe.

"Yeah, my friend always wants one of mine and I have to say get your own. I'm like the 5-hour energy designated driver."

Jonny Flynn must’ve had Braylon Edwards or Osi Umenyiora slip him some 5 hour energy before the game because he was amazing until the very end. Normally, I would do a small recap of the game but anyone who is reading this probably watched the game or saw highlights on Sportscenter.

What’s the only other reason people really care about championship week? The answer is seeding for the NCAA Tourney. Are you going to be wearing glass Keds to the big dance or hearty leather Air Jordan’s with built in springs or something? Or maybe you’ll wear those wheely shoes for fast breaks. I’d love to watch a game where all the players wore wheely shoes because it would probably involve a lot of this:

I don’t feel bad for laughing. It’s Luke’s own fault he thought it was a good idea to wheely (is that a verb?) in the rain. But let’s get back to the point here. Although it’s disappointing to miss out on the conference championship, as long as the big teams win a game or two, they know they will still get a good seed and that’s what they probably care about. At least that’s what the fans care about, from what I’ve heard. But here’s another question. Does seeding in the NCAA Tournament matter? In theory it shouldn’t. The best team should always come out on top. I stress the word team there because I’m talking about the group of players that has the best chemistry and really does everything together, not the school that has the best individual players. Sure some might argue that certain teams have an easier path to the finals but in theory, if a team deserves the national championship they should be able to beat any team anytime so that’s just another excuse. Certain teams match up better against teams with different styles of play but in the end it all comes down to which team has the best gameplan and executes it most effectively. But that’s just my take. What do you think?

Not only do they both look alike, but they're both annoying as hell.

So this weekend as you’re watching conference champions earn the first 30 bids to the big dance, ask yourself some questions. Why does the regular season champ of the Ivy League get the 31st automatic bid? Does it matter that UConn lost? When is the last time I went rollerblading? How was Carrot Top ever funny/successful? Why hasn’t anyone told him that he looks way too much like Kathy Griffin? Do I care that Morehead State won the Ohio Valley Conference with a 19-15 record on the year making their first appearance in the tournament since 1984?

Well, Do you?

Free Agency Kicks Off To A Big Start

The NFL free agency period never disappoints, unless, of course, your team loses an icon. That has proven to be the case in just the first two days of free agency following the 2008 season and might continue to be the case. Reports surfaced today confirming that seven time Pro Bowl safety Brian Dawkins signed a five year deal with the Denver Broncos.

Dawkins Has Flown Away To Rebuild The Once Powerful Denver Defense

The Broncos have come storming out of the gate (kind of like actual Broncos) this off season with some huge moves. As everyone knows they fired 14 year veteran Mike Shanahan and in the first two days of free agency have already added JJ Arrington, another former Eagle in Correll Buckhalter, Jabar Gaffney, David Anderson, Andra Davis, Darrell Reid, Renaldo Hill and of course Brian Dawkins. Dawkins, who spent all 13 of his NFL years with the Philadelphia Eagles thinks he still has what it takes to be a starter in the coming years and was not pleased with the one year deal that the Eagles offered him. Granted Dawkins is getting old at 35, but he was the emotional leader of the stout Philly defense for years and this will prove to be a big loss for Philadelphia. As an Eagles fan myself, I am sad to see Dawkins go but understand his reasoning. The Eagles also showed confidence in their young secondary when they parted ways with safety Sean Considine, who joined the Jaguars, and traded disgruntled cornerback Lito Sheppard to the Jets for a fifth round pick in the 2009 draft and a conditional pick in the 2010 draft. Considine looked promising early on in his career but became nothing more than a strong contributor on special teams. As for Sheppard, he fell into a bit of an unfortunate situation when his value peaked after some big post season performances and the Eagles tried to deal him out of town. Teams around the league weren’t offering proper compensation so the Eagles held onto Sheppard and then when some guy named Asante Samuel joined the team, Lito saw his playing team drastically decrease as he was used almost exclusively in the Nickel package. It will be interesting to see how Sheppard contributes to an up and coming Jets secondary. The Jets also added former Ravens linebacker Bart Scott, as newly instated head coach Rex Ryan begins rebuilding his defense with a familiar face. On an interesting yet less exciting note, the Eagles signed Stacy Andrews, older brother of current Eagles Pro Bowl guard Shawn Andrews, to a multi year deal in hopes of filling the void left by perennial offensive tackles John Runyan and Tra Thomas who probably will not rejoin the team next year. The Eagles only free agency addition so far is about as exciting as when Richard Karn took over for Louie Anderson as host of the Family Feud.

Notice How Everyone In This Picture Looks Somewhat Professional Except For Louie Anderson

Now that I have started off this post with a tremendous Eagles bias, I can discuss the other, more significant signings of the free agency period thus far. Another team who is losing an icon today is the New England Patriots. The Pats have shipped linebacker Mike Vrabel off to Kansas City. But that’s not all folks! If you call within the next 20 minutes, you’ll also get upstart savior of New England’s 2008 season, backup-turned-starter QB Matt Cassel, absolutely free! That’s right. New England actually traded the versatile Vrabel and their hot chip Matt Cassel away for a second round pick (34th overall) in the 2009 draft. Is it me or is this one of the stupidest trades ever.? Seriously did Billy Mays talk the Pats management into this or is Scott Pioli really that good of an executive? Don’t get me wrong I’m ecstatic  that the Patriots made what I think is a boneheaded move but I don’t see the motivation here. Maybe New England is still bitter about losing their first round draft pick last year for cheating (and actually getting caught this time) and is trying to make up for that. The Pats gave Cassel the franchise tag and since he is so young and proved himself immediately, I’m willing to bet they could’ve gotten a high draft pick for Cassel alone if they had tested the waters a bit. I’m sure they didn’t want to have two of the highest paid quarterbacks which brought about a sense of urgency but I really think they were the losers in this trade since they threw Vrabel in. Sure he’s old but he’s a leader on defense and definitely has some gas left in the tank unlike some other Patriots players (I’m looking at you Tedy Bruschi and Junior Seau… or should I say George Lopez and Pat the Patriot).

The Patriots Know That Seau's Career Is Almost Over But His Chisled Face Makes Him A Perfect Second Mascot

Not to mention Vrabel is incredibly versatile as he has shown with his 8 career catches on offense for 8 TD’s (all stemming from a special goal line package the patriots like to use). If anyone who isn’t a Patriots fan who is lying to themselves thinks this is good trade, please let me know why. Also explain to me why the Pats pretend to have a running game and continue signing veteran running backs. The Pats went for former Jag workhorse Fred Taylor like they went for Corey Dillon or Sammy Morris. The Patriots barely use their running game (and who can blame them when they have Randy Moss), yet their roster includes Taylor, Morris, LaMont Jordan, the jack of all trades Kevin Faulk, and relative disappointment Laurence Maroney. You can say all you want about the Patriots having a strong team but it’s not because they have at least five well known running backs on their team at all times.

A lot of buzz generated around the signing of Albert Haynesworth, the hundred million dollar man. Quite honestly, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I know the man is huge and Tennessee had a big year especially on the defensive side of the ball but I just don’t find Haynesworth that impressive. Last year he had 8.5 sacks in 14 games, which is good for a 15th place tie amongst the league.

Who needs photoshop? I created Fat Haynesworth up there in MS Paint... I mean... this is a real photo given to me by a close family member.

Fat Albert has 24 sacks in his seven years in the league (in all of which he played at least 10 games. DeMarcus Ware had 20 sacks… this year. Haynesworth also only had 51 tackles total last year. He certainly has a presence up front but 100 million dollars? That’s a bit much, even for the Redskins who like to pretend the salary cap doesn’t exist when they waste all of their money on random players that get hot and then fizzle into disappointments instead of thinking about developing talent out of the draft.

In other news, the Dallas Cowboys decided that the first position they wanted to address was QB. You know, because that’s where their problems lie. The Cowboys have parted ways with 17 year veteran Brand Johnson and replaced him with the human turnover machine  Jon Kitna. What did Kitna, a 12 year veteran in his own right, do to prove to Dallas that he could contribute? He injured his way out of being the sole QB responsible for the first team to go 0-16 in NFL history. Strong pickup there, Jerry Jones.

And in the battle of landing the least exciting signing of 2009, the Bills have added former Bengals backup-turned-starter Ryan Fitzpatrick. Not to be outdone, the Titans answered the loss of Haynesworth by signing Kerry “Did people really think I had a chance as MVP” Collins to a two year deal. Can I break out the champagne now?

Of course I can’t give you all of my thoughts on the moves made so far this week because this post would be more of a novel but the events of the past few days have helped to rejuvenate those fans who are depressed that the NFL off season is upon us, including myself. And with big names either already out on the street or looking to get out of their cities like T.J. Houshmanzadeh, Marvin Harrison and even Ray Lewis, we can all go to sleep tonight without worrying that more excitement is just around the bend.

The Team Tha-Beet?

Even though plenty of interesting NFL news surfaced today like the Jags releasing Fred Taylor, the Bucs releasing Jeff Garcia, or T.J. Houshmanzadeh stating that he wants out of Cincy, I have decided that it’s time to expand beyond my horizons and try writing about another sport. And with the month of March rapidly approaching, what better sport to choose than college basketball. Now college basketball is probably my second favorite sport to watch (and a close second at that). It’s because it’s one of the easiest sports to feel a part of. Players pour so much more of their hearts into the game at the college level and that really comes across. It’s what makes a Duke – UNC game so much more exciting to watch than a Lakers – Celtics game. It’s tough to find a (division I) college basketball match-up that doesn’t electrify a building at some point during the game. I’ll never forget the night I watched Sean Singletary beat Duke in an overtime thriller right before my eyes. It was just another day at the office for Singletary as he drained one of the most ridiculous shots I’ve ever seen and did the infamous ESPN point. Since I’ve graduated and don’t have many opportunities to rush the court anymore, I settle for the next best thing: watching the number one and number four teams in the country square off in a prime-time conference battle.

Enter the Connecticut Huskies and Pittsburgh Panthers. For those of you who missed this game, I’m sorry. It was by far one of the most physical games I’ve seen in a long time. And I’m not just talking about the endless hustle or incredibly fast pace of the game. I’m also talking about the ferocious rebounding. Literally. Early in the first half, UConn’s golden boy Hasheem Thabeet tried to grab a rebound from Pitt’s DaJuan Blair and got his arm caught in DaJaun’s “Blair Claws” (that’s a clever play on words, isn’t it? I mean the man is colossally large). Blair used his brute strength to flip the 7-3 Thabeet over his back and looked like he broke his arm in the process. In case you missed it, it pretty much looked like this: Or you can actually see it here. Regardless, nearly the entire XL Center in Hartford went silent when they saw the big man go down and stay down until the coaching staff made its way over, especially since the Huskies had already lost Jerome Dyson for the season after he had arthroscopic knee surgery.

But the game would go on and Thabeet would come back after sitting for about four minutes. The Panthers clearly had a well thought out game plan and executed it beautifully. They established outside presence with Sam Young connecting a couple times early from beyond the arch and took control of the game pace from the start. Then they showed the Huskies that they weren’t scared of Thabeet and got Blair some nice looks inside which he cashed in on. He showcased his repertoire of tough shots for the onlooking NBA scouts and seemed liked he had a new move ready for Thabeet every time he was in the post. Blair really did it all as he even managed to get Thabeet into some early foul trouble and held him to a lone dunk in the first half.

Game. Blouses.

He was pretty much as dominant and Prince and the Revolution. UConn scored the first points of the game to take the lead but the Panthers went on a  few runs to secure the lead for the rest of the first half.

The surging Huskies had developed a bit of momentum with a buzzer beating “throw up a prayer” three pointer at the end of the half and they carried that momentum right into the second half as they almost immediately tied the game. The power struggle continued and the game saw many lead changes but the underlying theme was the same. Blair continued to wipe the floor with Thabeet who got himself into more foul trouble. Everyone had to see this coming since every pre-game show focused solely on Thabeet and he was doomed to fail as a result. Thabeet, who is second in the nation in blocking behind Mississippi State’s Jarvis Varnado (really?) took some time during the broadcast to talk about his superior ability. He said something like “When people see how big I am they know I can block. They come to me and U-Turn or take a bad shot.” Thanks for that deep reflection, Hasheem. Back in Articulate-Land, Sam “I look like I’m 35″ Young quietly did what he’s been doing all season and led the Panthers with 25 points. That coupled with Smokey The Blair’s fiery 22 points and 23 rebounds and a late game 10 point contribution from the consistently inconsistent Levance Fields was enough to put the Huskies away. In the closing minutes of the game they were down by multiple scores and couldn’t close the gap since only St. John’s has made fewer 3 pointer’s in the Big East this year.

Blair lays a Tha-beet down on Hasheem

This picture pretty much sums up the game. DaJuan slayed Goliath. Even though DaJuan is much bigger than David and didn’t need a slingshot to stop a player of the year candidate. UConn’s bench came to Goliath’s aid with 19 points compared to the 3 from Pitt’s bench, but in the end the Panthers fulfilled their destiny and defeated a number one ranked team for the first time in school history (on the road, no less). And that, ladies and gentleman, is why college basketball is great.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes

As we embark full speed ahead into 2009, change is a common theme both on the world stage and the football stage. Even America’s face of change, President Barack Obama, is calling for changes to be made in football. The chief says that if he could change something about sports he would get rid of the BCS selection process and bring a playoff system to college football. I don’t even need to explain his argument because 9 out of 10 respectable Americans agree with the President.

The Susquehanna Federation of Female Bagpipers Car Care Bowl

The argument for a college playoff has never been more valid than it was after this year’s bowl games. Critics argue that Utah was robbed after going 13-0 finishing the season off with a very convincing win over a strong Alabama Crimson Tide squad and not being named national champs. Frontrunners Trojan fans plead their case that USC deserved to be in the title game more than Oklahoma did and that the Trojans’ victory over Penn State (which was essentially a home game for USC) is just more evidence to back up their claim. And no one wants to watch the overwhelming number of meaningless bowls with names like The Susquehanna Federation of Female Bagpipers Car Care Bowl.

Interestingly enough, just as coaches players and fans alike are calling for the NCAA to adopt some of the NFL’s rules, the cry for help goes both ways. And so begins the overtime debate. This season tons of fans complained that viewers around the country were deprived of watching a great football game when the Chargers scored on their first posession in overtime ending the Colts’ season (and Tony Dungy’s career) without Peyton Manning even having a chance to touch the ball. Frankly, I’m a little more concerned with Peyton Manning and his far inferior brother Eli agreeing to be a part of the disgrace that is the Oreo “DSRL” commercials. Peyton’s MasterCard ads are so good.

Why does he have to ruin that streak with a commercial like this? First of all, it has Eli in it and he just wasn’t meant for the stage. Secondly, who furiously pounds away at the cream of their Oreos with their toungue for 3 or 4 minutes at a time? No one.

Getting back to the point here, I think it’s a bit over the top  to say that fans were deprived of a great football game. That game sucked since the Colts came out flat and the Bolts were mediocre all season (they won the pitiful AFC West with an 8-8 record) and a game winning Manning drive in OT, although exciting, would not have made this a great game. Hostility aside, the fans do have a point. It’s not fair for a team to win a coin toss and end the game by scoring without giving the other team a chance to score as well. During the regulation period, each team gets the ball at the start of a half to make things fair. That just doesn’t happen in overtime. Fans are calling for the NFL to mimic the overtime solution currently in place in college football: each team gets a chance to put points on the board from 25 yards out until one team scores and the other one doesn’t. And just so this doesn’t last an eternity (although often times it does) once the third overtime period arrives, teams are forced to go for the two point conversion after scoring a touchdown.This way each team gets a fair chance to win the game in overtime.

That being said, even though Peyton didn’t have a chance to win the game in OT, he had an endless number of opportunities in the second half that he just didn’t capitalize on. The Chargers capitalized on their chance. And lets not forget about the defense here. Yes, Peyton didn’t get a chance to taste the sweet nectar of victory but Bob Sanders, Dwight Freeney and the Colts defense did get that chance (and they failed). Although I slightly favor the college overtime system, I think both sides of the great overtime debate have good points. It seems to be a hot topic this off season and plenty of people will be pointing to this Indy game when they plead their case to Commissioner Goodell and the powers that be.

One thing is for certain, no one likes ties (insert McNabb joke here… come on, I can take it). Seriously though that is just deflating for all parties involved and should be done away with completely. I feel the same way about NASCAR. Al Gore is rapidly gaining weight and complaining about global warming and in these tough financial times we shouldn’t be wasting so much money on gasoline (even though the price has come down from 28 dollars per gallon) if we’re using it to watch cars drive around in circles. I understand that it’s fun to get hammered and have a mullet and that that’s the American way, but NASCAR is not a sport and it doesn’t belong on ESPN. Neither does poker. And what’s the deal with “X-Treme” sports? Picture Seinfeld saying that.

Anyways, back to the change theme. Perhaps the biggest change that people will be begging for this off season is the standard of NFL officiating staff. This season was laced with referee controversies from the infamous Hochuli call back in Week 2 to the myriad of botched calls in Super Bowl XLIII. Not to take anything away from the Steelers, they are a great team with a great gameplan and 9 out of 10 times they are a better team than the Cardinals, but a lot of people outside “Sixburgh” think that the Steelers’ victory should have an asterisk next to it. Take a look at the James Harrison 100 yd pick six (or TAINT if you’re Bill Simmons) that stands as the longest play in Super Bowl history.

Although this was one of the the most exciting plays in football history, the officiating on it was sloppier than Carl breaking out a guitar solo. Now, the quality of this video is awful and not all of the angles are extremely conclusive but arguments can be made. Nineteen seconds into the clip, #56 Lamar Woodley gets a block on a Cardinals player that looks like clipping or a block in the back. I’m not saying it was a definite penalty but the fact that it would’ve definitely affected the end of that play means that that block should’ve been reviewed and it wasn’t. What was reviewed was whether Harrison even made it into the end zone which is certainly debatable. Personally, I think he looks down before the ball breaks the plane of the end zone if you watch the end of this clip in slow motion. And just so the Steelers fans reading this don’t get their panties in a bunch, let it be known that the Cards had some calls in their favor too. On that same play, Antrel Rolle had come off the sideline onto the field a bit which forced Fitzgerald out of bounds before he later helped bring Harrison down which could be illegal if he was the first guy to get a hand on Harrison.

While we’re on the topic of Harrison, I don’t care how awesome your TAINT was, you’re not awesome enough to get away with something like this. Harrison tried to molest some random Cardinals player on special teams and although he got called for the foul, since the ball was downed on the two yard line, it only cost him a yard. I don’t know what the appropriate rule is here. I don’t know if you can penalize him more than half the distance to the goal and it might have been extreme to eject him from the game but there is no way he should hold a guy down and punch him and only have to pay a yard for that.

And finally, what the hell happened on the last play of the Cardinals final possesion? There is NO WAY that was a fumble. Warner’s arm was definitely moving forward. And if that wasn’t enough of a problem, why didn’t it get reviewed. This is the biggest game of the year. There’s 5 seconds left. The game is on the line. Millions of people are watching. Bookies in Vegas are sweating their asses off. And you let Big Ben take a knee? Any Steelers fan who says that was legit needs to stop lying to themselves. When calls this bad plague games all season long and when this many questionable calls come up in the Super Bowl you know there needs to be some change.

But change isn’t always good in the NFL. Let’s face it, the pro bowl is a joke. It’s cool to watch a bunch of all-stars but the game essentially means nothing and fans treat it that way for the most part. Perhaps that’s why the NFL has decided to move the Pro Bowl from Hawaii to Miami and to have it the week before the Super Bowl instead of the week afterward. Does anyone think this is a good idea? Having the game before the Super Bowl means that any player whose season isn’t over yet won’t play. Some players, including Ray Lewis and Clinton Portis, have even said they wouldn’t play if their season was over. The pro bowl is a reward for some of the hardest working players in the business and it wouldn’t be the same without some of them. And why is it moving to Miami? I know the attendance was low but moving to the mainland isn’t going to help that out. Plus Hawaii is so much more exotic. Players don’t want to go to Miami since half of them already have homes there and fans probably won’t be anymore likely to make the trip either. Honestly, this is the worst idea I’ve heard since the Snuggie.

With Snuggie, you and your loved ones can look like members of a cult at the big game! Call now and ask about our horse Snuggie!

“Oh man I’m cold but this blanket is such an inconvenience when I want to channel surf or stuff my face in the ol’ La-Z-Boy. Whatever will I do? I know! I’ll buy an extremely large blanket with sleeves and pretend that it’s socially acceptable to wear one of those out in public!” Have these people ever heard of a sweater or a jacket?! Not only is the product stupid but if you wear one, you look like a monk or a Star Wars character. And if your whole family wears matching snuggies to a sporting event you just like like you’re in a cult.

The bottom line here is that the NFL is going to face some harsh criticism if they don’t start making changes we can believe in. I, for one, am curious to see if any of these issues are adressed in the off season. Most likely the rules will remain unchanged and people will keep complaining but if there is anything we have learned in the past few months it’s that anything can happen.

The Latest And Greatest From Big D

The Dallas Cowboys. America’s Team. Big D. What does the D stand for? Disappointment, Debacle, Distraction. It can be whatever Jerry Jones wants it to be on a given day. But this off season, it stands for Desperate.

Despite Jerry’s best wishes, the Cowboys haven’t been doing so hot lately. Everyone knows that despite Dallas assembling one of the top teams every year they haven’t won a playoff game since 1996 (in fact I’ve mentioned it in multiple posts since it never gets old for me).

Stay Puft

You would think that after 12 non-existent post season runs, Dallas would have tried everything possible to fix their problems and rise to prominence next year, right? Well they’ve come close. They’ve gone through a herd of coaches (Gailey, Campo, Parcells and Wade “I look like the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters” Phillips). They’ve signed convicts and prima donnas (Pac-Man, Tank Williams, T.O.). They’ve spontaneously traded for a declining Roy Williams with tremendous weapons like Owens and Witten already on the team when they really needed defense (and lost 1st, 3rd, 6th and 7th round picks in the process).  So what’s left to try? How about letting Cowboy great Michael Irvin host a reality show where the grand prize is a spot on the Cowboys training camp roster?

That’s right. Twelve “football neophytes” (whatever the hell that means) will be chosen to participate in drills and challenges judged by Irvin himself along with some guest judges of Cowboys stardom. Which TV station won the battle for this highly coveted program? You guessed it, Spike TV. I’m told the CW (aka UPN 2) and Versus rounded out the top three in a tight race. To make this more reality tv-ish, the show will feature 6 WR’s and 6 DB’s who will no doubt be at each other’s throats throughout the unnecessary number of montages the that show is bound to feature. Can someone please remind me again why Dallas needs receivers?

Kick His Ass, Sea Bass!

This is a just a desperate publicity stunt that will fall flat because unless you’re channel surfing, the only people that watch Spike TV are single guys with names like “Sea Bass” in their mid 30′s who wear a lot of camo and could kick your ass in an arm wrestling match or a game of big buck hunter. They are also usually really into monster trucks, which stopped being cool when I turned 6. Besides, there is a 99.9% chance that whoever wins this thing won’t even make it past the first roster cut since everyone else at camp will be a real football player. This show is going to be half American Gladiators half American Idol with football sprinkled on top. Although the show has no official name yet, my money is on “America’s Biggest Waste of A Roster Spot”.

Speaking of shows that start with some version of “American”, does that piss anyone else off? American Idol was started by a British guy! Yes it takes place in America but he only tacked that on to the front of the name for an easy ratings boost and everyone knows it. The only thing American about it is that millions of people tune in to the mindless entertainment that is that show and live vicariously through people like Sanjaya until they fall off the face of the earth a couple months later (Where is Ruben Studdard now?!). And every other reality show does the same thing and it still works! It amazes me. America’s Best Dance Crew (Randy Jackson sucks even more because of that show), America’s Next Top Model, America’s Got Talent… it’s all the same. I’m going to create a show called “America’s Next Best Patriotic Red White And Blue Cheeseburger” and the ratings will be through the roof. Those who want to invest now can contact me personally.

But I digress…

Michael Irvin isn’t the only Cowboy with a new reality show. We all knew it was only a matter of time before T.O. got his own show. Owens will “re-evaluate his personal life” with his best friends Monique Jackson and Kita Williams who also serve as his publicists, therapists and matchmakers. Has anyone ever heard of these people? Didn’t think so. Owens’ show will be on VH1, which is a step up from Spike TV, but is also a channel that is notorious for taking washed up celebrities and making them even more pathetic (see Flava Flav, Brett Michaels, and everybody on Celebrity Rehab or Surreal Life). Yet another brilliant move out of Big D. Let’s take the catastrophic centerpiece of our offense who always complains about not getting the ball or teammates favoring each other and have him spend the off season with VH1 to deal with his personal problems. Brilliant. I actually can’t wait for this one.

On a less Desperate and more Distracting/Disgraceful note, Cowboys young tight end Martellus Bennett recently got some attention for taking his highly touted rap career public. He put his own amateur rap music videos on Youtube and bragged about having “Jerry Jones money”.

It's Prime Time At The Salon!

Unfortunately I wasn’t able to watch the video before the Cowboys used common sense and had it removed from the site but I heard it was pretty inappropriate. I did however, have the pleasure of visiting Marty-B’s MySpace page and listening to his second rap hit “Google Me”. I highly suggest you click that link and do the same. The only thing worse than the song itself is that this guy seriously thinks he’s awesome. That and Deion Sanders’ rap video for “Must Be The Money” where some jacked dude is doing Prime Time’s hair in a salon making sure not to ruin his incredibly flamboyant plaid vest and matching pants.

Just to let you know how bad “Google Me” is, I’d rather watch the same episode of Howie Do It on repeat for a week straight. Speaking of Howie Do It, it’s pretty much the poor man’s Punk’d since he uses average joe’s instead of celebrities.

The Golden Days of Howie Mandel

My hatred for Ashton Kutcher grew infinitely after that show came on the air so it’s not looking good for Howie. It’s a shame too because I had so much respect for the guy in the Bobby’s World days and then he disappeared for years until someone found him passed out inside a cardboard box in an alley behind a generic Italian restaurant and asked him if he wanted to host Deal or No Deal (which was the most annoying show on TV before Howie Do It came along).

As an Eagles fan, it’s my nature to hate the Cowboys. Seeing them pull stunts like this during the off season is like Christmas coming early. So Jerry, if you’re reading this, keep up the good work. America is counting on you.

Head Coach Look-Alikes

As the four people who actually read this blog might have noticed, my last post was a bit different than the others. It was a lot more informational, a lot less funny, and had a lot fewer pictures. It’s nice to switch things up every now and then but you’ve got to stick to your fundamentals. That’s why this next post will carry little or no relevant information, will be very funny, and will have a lot of pictures. Enjoy!

Jacksonville Jaguars head coach Jack Del Rio eats shit for breakfast with that guy who played Shooter McGavin.

On a good day, Buffalo Bills head coach Dick Jauron looks like The Crypt Keeper.

Former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy would look just like Waluigi if he dressed up in purple (look at the ears).

Tennessee Titans head coach Jeff Fisher is one flannel plaid shirt away from looking just like Al from Home Improvement.

Carolina Panthers coach John Fox is the illegitimate father of actor Michael Rappaport.

Gary Kubiak got his hairstyle from everyone's own worst enemy, Christian Slater.

Newly appointed Cleveland Browns coach Eric Mangini looks like a younger, fatter, less depressed Matthew Broderick.

Packers coach Mike McCarty (who has the fattest neck in the world) looks like actor and voice specialist Patrick Warburton without the Brendan Frasier style haircut.

San Diego Chargers coach Norv Turner misses the good old days when he wasn't the wrinkliest man alive and looked just like Bob Costas.

If former Cleveland Browns coach Romeo Crennel were to get on all fours he would look exactly like everyone's favorite comic pooch, Lockjaw. Not only is the size there but their faces are identical.

Who is Lockjaw?

Former Denver Broncos coach Mike Shanahan is the male version of Judge Judy. Gotta love that doily collar!

Newly appointed St. Louis Rams coach Steve Spagnoulo looks like Jim Rome with a little bit of the edge taken off.

Also, if you’re familiar with Jim Rome’s mannerisms, this is the funniest thing you will ever see.

Dick Vermeil actually looks nothing like T.O. but they are both cry-babies. That's my quarterback!

And my personal favorite, Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips. If he lost 150 pounds then he would look like Martin from the Simpsons.

For more sports look-alikes, check out this site.

Help Wanted

As most of you know, there have been several coach firings this season. Some were as sudden and shocking as the end of the Shanahan era and some were no-brainers like Marinelli being kicked to the curb. Either way, team owners and fans alike are getting impatient and the “win now” attitude has never been more apparent. No matter how many playoff appearances or Lombardi trophies a coach has led his team to, his job is never safe.

Everyone is talking about “the coaching carousel”. I want to look at the bigger picture. I’ll call it “the coaching carnival” to stick with the theme and the alliteration (which I know is not as fun-sounding as “the coaching bumper cars” or “the coaching drown the clown” but this sounds a bit smoother and works better with the metaphor between the carnival and the big picture instead of just focusing on the carousel).

Nowadays, coaches have approximately three years to prove themselves. That’s the magic number. I took a look at all the current NFL coaches as of this morning, along with their predecessors, and how many years they have worked as a head coach in the league. It’s interesting to see that the majority of the coaches have either

A) served as head coach for three years or less, or

B) served as head coach for ten years or more.

Red = Three years or less of head coaching experience

Green = Four to nine years of head coaching experience

Blue = Ten or more years of head coaching experience

Head Coaching Experience (not counting interims)

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

Head Coach: Dick Jauron – 10 years experience, 3 with the Bills

Predecessor: Mike Mularkey – 2 years, both with the Bills

Miami Dolphins

Head Coach: Tony Sparano – Miami, 1 year, 11-5

Predecessors: Cam Cameron – 1 year with Dolphins

New England Patriots

Head Coach: Bill Belichick – 14 years, 9 with Patriots

Predecessor: Pete Carroll – 4 years, 3 with Patriots

New York Jets

Head Coach: Vacant (likely to appoint 1^st timer)

Predescessor: Eric Mangini – 3 years, all with Jets

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens

Head Coach: John Harbaugh – 1 year with the Ravens

Predecessor: Brian Billick – 9 years, all with the Ravens

Cincinnati Bengals

Head Coach: Marvin Lewis – 6 years, all with Bengals

Predecessor: Dick LeBeau – 3 years, all with Bengals

Cleveland Browns

Head Coach: Eric Mangini – 3 years, all with Jets

Predecessor: Romeo Crennel – 4 years, all with Browns

Pittsburgh Steelers

Head Coach: Mike Tomlin – 2 years, both with Steelers

Predecessor: Bill Cowher – 15 years, all with Steelers

AFC South

Houston Texans

Head Coach: Gary Kubiak – 3 years, all with Texans

Predecessor: Dom Capers – 8 years, 4 with Texans

Indianapolis Colts

Head Coach: Jim Caldwell – About to start 1^st year

Predecessor: Tony Dungy – 13 years, 7 with Colts

Jacksonville Jaguars

Head Coach: Jack Del Rio – 6 years, all with Jaguars

Predecessor:Tom Coughlin – 13 years, 8 with Jaguars

Tennessee Titans

Head Coach: Jeff Fisher – 15 years, all with Titans

Predecessor: Jack Pardee – 11 years, 5 with the Houston Oilers, who are now the Titans

AFC West

Denver Broncos

Head Coach: Josh McDaniels – About to start 1^st year

Predecessor: Mike Shanahan –16 years, 14 with the Broncos

Kansas City Chiefs

Head Coach: Herm Edwards – 8 years, 3 with Chiefs (although some think he’s a goner)

Predecessor: Dick Vermeil –15 years, 5 with Chiefs

Oakland Raiders

Head Coach: Vacant (likely to appoint 1^st timer)

Predecessor: Lane Kiffin – Almost 2 years, both with Raiders

San Diego Chargers

Head Coach: Norv Turner – 11 years, 2 with Chargers

Predecessor: Marty Schottenheimer – 21 years, 5 with Chargers

_________________________________________________

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys

Head Coach: Wade Phillips – 9 years, 2 with Cowboys

Predecessor: Bill Parcells – 19 years, 4 with Cowboys

New York Giants

Head Coach: Tom Coughlin – 13 years, 5 with Giants

Predecessor: Jim Fassel –7 years, all with Giants

Philadelphia Eagles

Head Coach: Andy Reid – 10 years, all with Eagles

Predecessor: Ray Rhodes – 5 years, 4 with Eagles

Washington Redskins

Head Coach: Jim Zorn – 1 year, with Redskins

Predecessor: Joe Gibbs – 16 years, all with Redskins (in 2 stints)

NFC North

Chicago Bears

Head Coach: Lovie Smith – 5 years, all with Bears

Predecessor: Dick Jauron – 10 years, 5 with Bears

Detroit Lions

Head Coach: Jim Schwartz – about to start 1^st year

Predecessor: Rod Marinelli – 3 years, all with Lions

Green Bay Packers:

Head Coach: Mike McCarthy – 3 years, all with Packers

Predecessor: Mike Holmgren – 17 years, 7 with Packers

Minnesota Vikings

Head Coach: Brad Childress – 3 years, all with Vikings

Predecessor: Mike Tice – 5 years, all with Vikings

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons

Head Coach: Mike Smith – 1 year, with the Falcons

Predecessor: Bobby Petrino – Not even a full year with the Falcons

Carolina Panthers
Head Coach: John Fox – 7 years, all with Panthers

Predecessor: George Seifert – 11 years, 3 with Panthers

New Orleans Saints

Head Coach: Sean Payton – 3 years, all with Saints

Predecessor: Jim Haslett – 6 years, all with Saints

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Head Coach: Raheem Morris – about to start 1^st year

Predecessor: John Gruden – 11 years, 7 with Buccaneers

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals

Head Coach: Ken Whisenhunt – 2 years, both with Cardinals

Predecessor: Denny Green – 13 years, 3 with Cardinals

Saint Louis Rams

Head Coach: Steve Spagnuolo about to start 1^st year

Predecessor: Scott Linehan – almost 3 years with the Rams

San Francisco 49ers

Head Coach: Mike Singletary – About to enter 1^st full year with 49ers

Predecessor: Mike Nolan – almost 4 years with 49ers

Seattle Seahawks

Head Coach: Jim Mora, Jr. – 3 years, all with Falcons

Predecessor: Mike Holmgren – 17 years, 10 with Seahawks

________________________________________________

Behind The Numbers

Current head coaches with 3 years or fewer experience: 20 (62.5%)

(assuming vacancies will be filled by rookies)

Current head coaches with 10+ years experience: 6 (18.75%)

Current head coaches in the middle of that: 6 (18.75%)

Predecessor head coaches with 3 years or fewer experience: 9 (28.125%)

Predecessor head coaches with 10+ years experience: 15 (46.875%)

Predecessor head coaches in the middle of that: 8 (25%)

Current coaches with 10+ years: has dropped over 28%

Current coaches with 3 years or less: has risen over 34%

# Head Coach Firings/Resignations in the last 3 years: 27

Playoff games Dallas has won since 1996: 0

Again, the magic number: 3

Another interesting point is that Eric Mangini will probably be the only head coach who was fired this season and will get another crack at it with a different team next year. Most of the other teams with open positions have looked to upstart coordinators around the league to lead their team into the next era. The other fired head coaches are getting specialty coaching positions like Marinelli landing the defensive line coach job in Chicago and some have gotten coordinator positions like Mike Nolan running the defense in Denver. But does Mangini really deserve this job with his short history of experience, his single playoff game appearance (which he lost), a .479 overall record and a historic collapse after failing to take a team to the playoffs that started 9-3? Probably not. Why doesn’t Marty Schottenheimer have a head coaching job anywhere? He has a .613 overall record and 21 years of head coaching experience (not to mention that he was controversially fired after leading the Chargers to 14-2 in his final season).

The only possible answer I can come up with is because Mangini is young. But being young and “full of potential” isn’t always a good thing. Look at Lane Kiffin. He was the youngest coach in NFL history at 31 years, 8 months old. He has a .250 overall coaching record and has never made a playoff appearance. He is about as useful as a tank made of balloons. So naturally this guy gets the nod to be the head coach for a Tennessee team in the powerhouse that is the SEC. Oh, and being your dad’s boss doesn’t suck either.

If organizations want to win now, why are they bringing all of these rookies in? Do they need a spark for teams whose proven coaches can’t get it done anymore? If we’re so worried about the “win now” attitude, are we ever looking for a coach of the future like we would look for a QB of the future? Is winning now good enough if you’re going to have to learn how to “win now” all over again in 3 years?

I’m not going to try to answer these questions because if I did then I would probably hold a debate against myself lasting several hours. So, what do you think?

A Real Darkhorse

This might be the funniest story I’ve heard all year. And we’re only in the second week of January. Linebacker great Bill Romanowski wants to be seriously considered for the Denver Broncos head coaching job. Romanowski had his best years in Denver, making the pro bowl twice and winning back-to-back Super Bowls. Romanowski also won back-to-back Super Bowls with the 49ers and is one of only three players to accomplish the feat with two different teams. Sounds like a good fit for a head coaching job, right? One minor detail lost in all of these stories of triumph is that ROMANOWSKI HAS ZERO COACHING EXPERIENCE!

Romanowski reportedly sent Broncos owner Pat Bowlen a thirty-plus page PowerPoint presentation outlining how he would run things if he were in charge of the Broncos. “I truly believe that I’d be the best person in the country for the job. That’s me being confident in my abilities,” Romanowski said.

Well I’m pretty confident that Romanowski is one of the worst candidates for the job. Here are my top ten reasons why:

1 ) Did I mention yet that Romanowski has no coaching experience? Now to be fair, that’s not entirely true. In 2008, Bill was the defensive coordinator for the Piedmont High School (in case you didn’t know, that’s a high school) Highlanders Freshman Football team, where his son, Dalton, plays. And if that’s not a good enough replacement for Mike Shanahan’s 14 year tenure in the mile high city then I don’t know what is.

2 ) There are so many better options out there. Dozens of coordinators around the league have made a strong bid to rise to a head coaching position. Romanowski applying for a head coaching job is like Michael Jackson applying for a job at a daycare center.  I can’t think of any kids that would be excited about playing games like “pin the nose on the pop king” or “hide the pickle”.

David Boston says "Check Out My Twelve Pack!"

3 ) On a 60Minutes appearance in 2005, Romanowski admitted to using steroids and human growth hormone back in 2003. He used the anabolic steroid “The Clear” and synthetic testosterone ointment “The Cream”. I’ve got a hunch that if Romanowski did somehow manage to get the Denver job, his nickname would be “The Douchebag”. His coaching staff would include Offensive Coordinator David Boston and Linebackers Coach Shawn Merriman (Get it? They both tested positive for steroids).

"HEEL... to da groin!"

4 ) Besides eating Kellogg’s Steroid Crunch for breakfast every morning, Romanowski is also known for his bad temper. He has been fined for kicking a player in the head, breaking Kerry Collins’ jaw in a preseason game, and spitting in a player’s face. He was also fined an undisclosed amount for throwing a football at Bryan Cox of the New York Jets, the ball hitting him in the crotch area (I had no idea Wikipedia had a page for “Groin Attack” but it’s maybe the funniest thing I have ever seen). In other words, Bill Romanowski is the NFL’s version of Bas Rutten. They have the same initials. Coincidence? I don’t think so!

5 ) Romanowski is the founder and CEO of Nutrition53, a premium nutritional supplement company dedicated to “optimal life performance”. They manufacture supplements to help you fall asleep, lose weight, or sharpen your mind. Ever heard of it? Me neither. Is it sketchier than this old picture of Ron Jeremy? You bet. Would you buy supplements from a guy who admitted to using steroids? I hope not.

6 ) Bill would fit in better as an American Gladiator or Pokemon Master. Pikachu, Romanowski chooses you!

7 ) He has appeared in such failures films as The Longest Yard and The Benchwarmers. That means he’s friends with David Spade (negative points in my book) and is well aware of the fact that Adam Sandler hasn’t had a good movie since the late 90′s.

8 ) Romanowski will also appear in “Weiner“. This movie looks so bad that I had to give it it’s own number. The star studded cast of washed up child star Kenan Thompson, America’s favorite porn star Jenny McCarthy, and all around idiot Andy Milonakis are sure to disappoint. I’m not even going to get into the ironic fact that the tagline of this movie is “Size Does Matter”.

I'm Gonna Coach An NFL Team Someday!

9 ) It’s beyond me as to why someone would do this, but Romanowski has posted this old picture of himself on his website. Would YOU want this guy coaching your professional football team? I’m not as concerned about him wearing that skimpy white tee and letting his gut hang out as I am about the fact that he actually posed for someone to take a picture of him looking like that.

Romanowski slayed a Liger before coming face to face with this Darkhorse

10) I decided to name this article “A Real Darkhorse” because no one besides Romanowski’s mother would give him any shot of winning the Denver job. Then I went searching through Google images to find pictures of my good friend Bill and wound up finding that little number you see on the left. That’s when I knew I had chosen the best name for this piece. He is actually fighting a real… dark… horse. Like, literally. And I didn’t even think of the coincidence that Romanowski finished his career with the Raiders, a team known for its dark jerseys (and fans), and prior to that played with the Broncos (an untrained horse). Put those together and what do you get? A DARK HORSE! What’s even funnier than this ridiculous picture is the description on the website (where some deranged man actually bought it). The artist, known only as “T”, describes it as “nice 16 x 20 oil painting of Raider’s linebacker Bill Romanowski. This fantasy painting pits Romo against a fiery stallion. I think Bill can handle the task at hand. He is one of the toughest guys in football. This is a first in a series of paintings featuring sports heroes in fantasy situations.” Need I say more? Well I’m going to anyway. I’d be willing to bet money that “T” is actually Romanowski himself.

Thirty page PowerPoint presentations aside, sorry Bill but I just don’t think you’re the right man for the job. Chin up though, I hear next year FOX is broadcasting AMERICAN COACHING PROSPECT: A Simon Cowell Joint.