My football commentary prayers have been answered! After three miserable years, Tony Kornheiser has “stepped down” from his perch on Monday Night Football. The runner up for Dennis Miller’s worst football announcer ever award, Kornheiser has reportedly given up the job because of his fear of flying. This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise because he looks like the cowardly lion from The Wizard Of Oz (without the hair, of course).
Kornheiser Vs. The Cowardly Lion
“I feel we got better each year,” Kornheiser said. “My fear of planes is legendary and sadly true. When I looked at the upcoming schedule it was the perfect storm that would’ve frequently moved me from the bus to the air. I kept looking at the schedule the past month and wanted to find a way to quietly extricate myself.”
This guy has one of the sweetest jobs in the world and just because the thought of planes makes him “extricate” in his pants, he decides to walk away? It makes no sense to me but I’m not complaining. Kornheiser has a great dynamic with Wilbon on PTI but he did not belong on MNF. At least he was knowledgeable, which is more than I can say for James Harrison but we’ll talk about that later. Tony had an annoying voice to go along with his nack for putting his foot in his mouth. In his most recent season, Kornheiser had a translation incident where he said “I took high school Spanish and that either means ‘nobody is going to touch him’ or ‘could you pick up my dry cleaning in the morning.” I don’t care what he meant by it, if anything, but why would you even say something like that? Who wants to hear a terrible joke/comment like that from some bald guy during a football game? No one. Kornheiser was full of irrelevant chatter and dumb jokes like that throughout his tenure so I’m thrilled to see him go. I think his reason for stepping down is a bit suspect and he might’ve actually been asked to leave but as long as he is out I don’t care.
With every departure comes a replacement and Kornheiser’s is no doubt a great one. Not only will Jon Gruden be able to provide intelligent commentary as a former coach, he is known for his humor during press conferences so he should be able to fill the void that Tony Kornheiser left empty when he first arrived at MNF. As great of an opportunity as this would be for any normal person, it seems like quite a step down for Gruden. The man’s overall record is above .500 and he already has a super bowl title under his belt to go with his already impressive resume. I find myself wondering how an under achiever like Eric Mangini can be fired and immediately get a new head coaching job while Gruden sits on the shelf. Even more perplexing is how an idiot like Josh McDaniels who drives franchise Pro Bowl quarterbacks out of town and acquires 73 running backs in an off season can land a coaching job before Gruden. We all know depth is important but does he know that only one of those backs can hold the ball at a time? Committees are on the rise but those have two or three backs in them at most, not five. That’s alright though because Kyle Orton will surely carry that team to victory like he did in Chicago. Oh wait that was the Bears defense. Well Denver was 29th in total defense last year so they have that going for them.
But let’s get back to the topic of ignorant sports figures. I’m sure everyone has heard this story already and agrees with me but I’m still shocked enough to talk about it. Super Bowl cheater hero James Harrison is skipping out on the Steelers visit to the White House. His reasoning? ESPN reporters caught up with Harrison at Chuck E. Cheese today where he said that if President Obama really wanted to see the Steelers he should’ve asked them before they won the Super Bowl. He also said that as far as he is concerned, Obama would have invited the Cardinals if they won.
As far as I'm concerned...
Well, James, as far as I’m concerned they should have made you retake the third grade a few more times because the Super Bowl winners ALWAYS go to the White House. How is this news to you? You were invited when you won three years ago! I know there have been changes we can believe in but this hasn’t been one of them. And what do you mean ‘as far as you are concerned’? That doesn’t make any sense. Neither does turning down an invitation to meet the most powerful man in the free world. And not to make any assumptions but one would think that Harrison would jump at the chance to meet President Obama. We’re not talking about any ordinary President. He was born in Hawaii! How many of them can say that?!
In other news, T.O. practiced in Buffalo today. You know, like he gets paid to do. I know he’s the most exciting thing to happen to that city since buffalo wings but honestly what’s the big deal? Is this coming as a surprise to anyone? Owens is 35 years old. He has been doing this for 13 years. I’m tired of the same old song and dance for a big cry baby who would suffocate without a spot light. With any luck he will suddenly develop a rare fear of airplanes and retire after three years on the job in Buffalo so we can be rid of his nonsense.
